Sequel: Too Deep, Too Long
by Sweet Lu
Summary: The team struggles to help Deeks deal with psychological problems after his five month undercover assignment with white supremacists.


_Lots of spoilers come up quickly in this sequel, so please read my original story before reading this one. Thanks._

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><p><strong>Sequel: Too Deep, Too Long<strong>

"Hetty, what's wrong?" Callen had immediately grabbed the phone, startled from a deep sleep that was rare for him. But worry over Sam still kept his senses on alert, even when he was asleep. He glanced quickly at the clock and wondered what case was so important that she would call him at two in the morning.

"I need you to go to the hospital and get Deeks again," she said softly. He heard the resignation in her voice, which was something he wasn't used to hearing from her, but he knew she was very worried about Deeks' state of mind.

"Is he still in Sam's room?" Callen asked.

"I think he left for a while, but snuck back in after visiting hours were over," she replied. "He hit one of the security guards when they tried to get him to leave, Mr. Callen. We're fortunate that they called me instead of having him arrested."

"He needs to get some help, Hetty," Callen told her.

"Yes he does, Mr. Callen," she answered quietly.

"I'll bring him back here," Callen told her, "if he'll let me."

As Callen drove through the dark streets, his mind again filled with the image of Sam and Deeks lying unconscious next to each other in the dirt with Jacob and Karl Meier dead on either side. He still remembered almost choking with fear that they had lost them both. Kensi had almost frozen when she saw Deeks and Callen remembered the blame in her eyes as she looked at him before they rushed to their partners. That had been almost three weeks ago and as Sam continued to recover, Deeks was going downhill mentally, and nothing anyone of them said or did seemed to be making any difference.

"I'm here to pick up Marty Deeks," he told the woman at the security desk after flashing his badge. He only had to wait about ten minutes before an angry looking security guard pushed Deeks through a door. Deeks' hands were cuffed behind his back and he was pissed about it.

"Get these off me, you fuckin' asshole," Deeks shouted. The guard shoved Deeks hard and he gasped in pain as his sore ribs slammed into the sharp edge of the security desk. Callen's anger flashed as he moved to hold him up.

"Don't touch him again," Callen heatedly warned the guard, as he helped Deeks sit down.

"Then get this maniac out of here," the guard said hotly. "And if he pulls something like this again, I'm having him arrested."

Callen wanted to grab the guy by his cheap uniform, shove him up against the wall and tell him, that if it hadn't been for Deeks, a real maniac would have carried out a massacre of unbelievable violence.

"Give me the key. Now!" Callen was seething with visible anger and the guard realized he was treading on dangerous ground and silently handed him the key to the handcuffs.

"Callen?" Deeks looked up at him in surprise as Callen freed him. "What are you doing here?"

"Apparently keeping you out of jail," Callen said, smirking at him as he helped him to his feet and led him toward the exit.

"Where are we going?" Deeks asked as they got in the car. Callen noticed the confusion on his face and dread began to settle over him. He thought the confusion he'd suffered from his concussion would have gone away by now, but the doctors weren't specific about a time frame for his mind to return to normal.

"You're coming home with me," Callen said lightly, trying not to upset him.

"You don't have to baby me, you know," Deeks said irritably as he rubbed the barely healed wound on the side of his head where Karl Meier had hit him with a pistol.

"You're going to have to sleep on the floor, Deeks," Callen said. "I hardly think that qualifies as babying."

"Why can't I just stay in Sam's room at the hospital?" Deeks asked, forgetting what had just happened and jolting Callen.

"Deeks, you just got thrown out of the hospital," he said, staring with disbelief into the clear blue eyes of the young cop. "Don't you remember? They were going to have you arrested for hitting a security guard."

"Come on, Callen, why would I do that?" Deeks said, laughing briefly before quickly looking out the window at the passing shops.

They drove on in silence until Deeks softly asked, "Why can't I remember things like that, Callen?"

"You suffered a severe concussion, Deeks," Callen replied quietly. "Sam said Karl Meier pistol-whipped you so hard you were unconscious for at least a half hour. The first four days you were in the hospital you couldn't get out of bed you were so dizzy. You remember that, don't you?"

Deeks nodded slowly and rubbed his head. "Callen, who's Karl Meier?" Then he turned and looked at Callen and started shaking. Callen quickly pulled over to the curb, but before he could turn off the engine, Deeks was out of the car and running.

"Shit!" Callen slammed the door open and started after him. He found him almost half a mile away, sitting with his back against a glass storefront with his head between his legs, trying to catch his breath. Tears rolled slowly down his cheeks. Callen sat down beside him and put his arm around his shoulders.

"You need to get some sleep, Deeks." Callen spoke softly and squeezed his neck. "And I'm too tired to chase you all over LA on foot. So, can we just go to my place for tonight and talk about everything tomorrow?"

"Okay," Deeks answered. "But do I have to sleep on the floor? I mean, don't you have a comfy chair at least?" A crooked grin warmed his face and all Callen could do was shake his head and help him up.

...

_Stark graphic shapes in red and black pierced his dream as screams echoed through the night. He was a watcher, unable to move. He struggled against invisible restraints as bloodied faces cried out for mercy. Deep mournful sounds shook him as he tried to move toward the screaming faces, but he never seemed to reach them as they floated out of reach. A giant man with flags on his arms laughed and pointed at him. His hands were soaked in red and black blood and he couldn't wash it from his mind. The weight of it crushed him as he fought to get free from the shadowy images that tormented him and so his screams joined those of the bloody faces and he howled at the dark moon._

...

Callen sat straight up in bed as a strangled scream from Deeks brought him wide-awake. He got to him quickly but he wasn't conscious. He thrashed on the floor, throwing the blankets off and scattering the pillows as he fought the demons in his nightmare. Callen held his arms down and waited for the dream to pass. He could see the cold sweat that had broken out on his body and his hair was drenched and wild. His breathing became ragged and heavy as the last remnants of the nightmare subsided and he slowly opened his eyes and looked at Callen through red-rimmed eyes.

"Let go of me," he said in a voice that was low and mean. As Callen let go of him, Deeks staggered to his feet and stood shivering in the almost empty room. "I should kill you, you murdering bastard," he said and then charged Callen, catching him by surprise as he drove his shoulder into Callen's chest and slammed him to the floor. Then Deeks hit him again and again until he lost consciousness.

Deeks rolled onto his back, exhausted by his attack on the man in his dream. He lay on the floor trying to catch his breath and afraid to close his eyes for fear of getting lost in another nightmare. When his breathing slowed, he sat up and looked over at the man he had fought and saw Callen lying there.

"Oh God, no!' he whispered and he began to shiver violently. He crawled toward the man who had stood by him throughout his five-month undercover assignment with the white supremacists and who had been there for him as he struggled to make sense of what it had done to him.

"Callen, can you hear me?" Deeks asked with tears filling his eyes as he looked at the battered face of a good friend. He knew he had done this, but why he didn't know. It was a nightmare and he had caused it. He reached for the phone on the table by the chair and called the first person he thought of.

"Kensi? I'm at Callen's house," he said weakly. "I hurt him bad, Kens, can you come?" Then he dropped the phone and stood up. He could feel his heart beating in his chest and a headache throbbed behind his eyes. He picked up his clothes from the pile he had left them in when Callen had brought him here. He dressed quickly, picking up Callen's car keys as he went out the door.

...

"Callen wake up!" Kensi gently slapped his face and put another cold compress on his forehead. He moaned and rolled onto his side, coughing and spitting out blood. He looked up at Kensi and saw the worry and concern in her eyes.

"Where is he?" Callen asked as she helped him into a sitting position up against the wall.

"I don't know," she said, wiping blood from a cut over his eye. "He called me, but was gone when I got here. He took your car. You okay?"

"He was enraged, Kens," He said shaking his head as he remembered the dark anger on Deeks' face as he charged him. "He must be more scared than we are by what's happening to him."

Callen could tell she was barely holding herself together. She loved Deeks and he knew the last three weeks had been hard on her. He had shut her out completely, not even wanting her to visit him in the hospital, and no one could explain it to her. Deeks wouldn't even look her in the eye when she took him home from the hospital. When one of his neighbors called her after he began waking up the whole apartment complex with screaming nightmares, he wouldn't let her in. Callen had found her sitting outside his door in tears. After that he never went back to his apartment, sleeping instead in a chair in Sam's hospital room. Now, he couldn't go back there.

"Well, at least he called you, Kens," Callen said, stroking her arm.

"Yeah, but he left without seeing me," she said sadly. "Callen, where do you think he went?"

"I don't know, but we better find him," Callen grunted in pain as he slowly got up from the floor. "He's getting worse, Kens. He hit a security guard at the hospital when they asked him to leave, so he can't go back there."

Kensi suddenly looked at Callen and smiled. "I know where he is, G," she said. "Come on, I'll drive."

"Not much choice there, since your partner stole my car," Callen said as he limped out the door behind her.

...

They found him sound asleep on the couch in the OSP Center. Neither one wanted to wake him, so each one dropped into one of the chairs and sat watching him. Callen could see the turmoil in Kensi's eyes, and he couldn't imagine how hurt she must feel that the man who had always had her back as a partner was now doing everything he could to avoid her.

The first couple of days that Deeks had been in the hospital after the take down of the Aryan Knights, he slept most of the time, except for trips to X-Ray and to have an MRI done. The doctors had told them that his body had broken down due to extreme exhaustion, lack of food and physical and psychological trauma. They had come to the conclusion that his multiple cracked ribs had been suffered over a long period of time and that he had probably been beaten repeatedly over the five months he had been undercover. They were also convinced that he had suffered more than one concussion during his time in the camp. Deeks had never told him about any of it. Callen knew Kensi blamed him for what Deeks had gone through, but she never expressed those feelings to him personally. But it didn't matter, because he shouldered that guilt all on his own.

Hetty, however, believed that they had all done what they had to do to stop a madman from carrying out a brutal massacre, and doing that was never easy. But she did regret the mental anguish that Deeks was now experiencing and she was continually soliciting expert advice on Deeks' mental state.

Toward the end of his first week in the hospital he had begun asking about Sam and when they wouldn't tell him anything he'd become extremely upset, cursing the doctors and throwing plates of food at the nurses. Not normal behavior for the man they use to kid about his constant need to flirt with women, especially nurses. As soon as the doctors said he could get out of bed, Hetty had made sure that he was taken to see Sam, understanding his need to make sure the man he had fought side by side with in his last firefight was safe. And he calmed down considerably after that.

His only other outburst had happened when Kensi had come to take him home. He had refused to see her during his stay, but she desperately wanted to be the one to take him home, and Hetty had agreed. She later told Callen that when she walked into his room, she could see a sense of panic building in his eyes. He shouted at her to get out and when she tried to touch him, he had pushed her away and turned his face to the wall. It was Hetty who had finally convinced him to go with Kensi. She told Hetty his rejection had almost crushed her.

Now he slept quietly in the only place where he still felt protected. Callen began to wonder if that was the reason he had slept in Sam's room. He knew he was safe with Sam.

"Mr. Callen, a word, please," Hetty whispered in his ear. He followed her back to her office and dropped heavily into a chair, feeling all the aches and pain from Deeks' attack. When Hetty turned to talk to him, she recoiled at his battered face.

"What the hell happened, Mr. Callen?" she asked with intense concern.

"Deeks was having one of his nightmares and I was stupid enough to be right next to him when he woke up," Callen told her, taking the blame on himself.

"I've asked Nate to come back, Mr. Callen," Hetty said softly as she offered him a cup of tea. "I think he may be the only one who can help him. He's been working with soldiers in the field and dealing with men who were captured and tortured. I think he'll understand what is happening with Deeks better than most."

Callen could feel himself relax as she told him the news. He had never liked his talks with Nate, but he knew he was an excellent psychiatrist and cared about everyone here and that he was one of the best at getting to core problems a person was dealing with. Plus he was a kind man and a very good listener. And, he trusted him.

"I hope he's coming soon, Hetty, cause I'm starting to think we're not going to be able to pull him back," Callen felt exhausted by his efforts to deal with Deeks and he was desperate for answers and he hoped that Nate would know what to do.

"He's flying in tonight, Mr. Callen," Hetty said, feeling the same exasperation that her agent was feeling.

Callen nodded in relief. "What do we do with him until then, Hetty?" Callen knew Deeks' symptoms were getting worse and the violence of his actions was escalating.

"I think he might feel safe here, so let's see how it goes." Hetty smiled sadly at her lead agent. She could see he was frustrated that he couldn't help Deeks. He was a man who prided himself on solving problems, but this one defied him and she could tell he didn't like the feeling of defeat. She also knew he carried a lot of guilt about what Deeks had gone through and she had yet to convince him that there had been no alternative. She had seen how shaken he was when Sam and Deeks had been brought into the hospital. The decision to send in Sam had been difficult for him, but again there had been no other choice, and Sam had known that.

...

Deeks woke to the delicious smell of coffee. He sat up slowly, trying to orient himself to his surroundings and searching for the source of the smell. He saw the cup of coffee sitting on the table next to Kensi and he felt a sense of panic in his chest but he fought against it, taking deep breaths and stealing a look at her. Her eyes were closed and he thought she looked beautiful, but very tired.

"Kens?"

She jerked awake and stared at him, afraid to move; afraid to do anything that might scare him away. He looked like the Deeks of old, with a questioning look on his face and a calmness about him that was rare these days.

"Kens, is Callen all right?"

"He's fine," she said softly and smiled at him, but still cautious.

"You used to say that all the time," he said sadly like he missed hearing it.

"He's good." She nodded at the memory of their past exchanges on semantics.

"Do you think I can get a cup of that coffee?" He asked shyly as if he was a visitor who didn't belong here and it made her want to cry.

"You can have this one," she said, passing him the cup. His fingers brushed lightly against her hand and she trembled at what they had lost and she dropped her head, trying to keep her emotions intact in front of him.

"I'm sorry, Kens," he whispered and she looked up to see tears brimming in his eyes and she almost lost it.

"Sorry for what, Deeks?"

"For shutting you out." He leaned back on the couch and slowly sipped his coffee. "God this tastes so good," he sighed and then looked at her with a depth of sadness in his pale blue eyes that frightened her.

"You know I would do anything for you," Kensi said softly. "I love you."

"That's why I shut you out, Kens," he said seriously, his face full of anguish. "You shouldn't love me anymore."

"What?" She was shocked and completely baffled by his comment and she felt a tinge of anger, but she fought to keep it in check.

"I don't deserve it, Kens," he told her as he stared into his coffee cup as if it might hold some answers. "I did horrible things in that camp. Things I am ashamed of and that can never be forgiven. I started to believe what Jacob believed and when I realized that, it scared me so badly, Kens, that I just want to run now; to escape that darkness that's inside of me."

She moved quickly to sit next to him and hold him as tears coursed down his face. But as soon as she touched him, he jumped up and stepped away from her, furiously wiping away his tears.

"Don't do that!" he said harshly. "Don't try and comfort me. There's no comfort in the world for me anymore, don't you understand that?"

His voice rose, as he stood, agitated and trembling. Suddenly he threw the coffee cup against the wall and walked away, leaving her shaking with disbelief at the confession he had made and the desolation he was living with. She was so afraid for him, because she knew he had abandoned all hope for himself.

"What happened?" Callen said as he put his arm around her as she started to cry.

"He thinks he's lost, Callen, and he doesn't think we should try to save him," Then she couldn't stop the tears any longer and she sobbed her heartbreak into Callen's chest as he hugged her tightly, searching his mind for answers and praying that Nate got here soon.

...

"Sam, what are you doing here?" Callen was shocked to see his partner and concerned he was out of the hospital too soon.

"Hetty called me and told me what's been going on with Deeks over the past twenty-four hours," he said angrily. "Just when were you planning on telling me, G?"

"I didn't want to worry you," Callen said calmly.

"He's been sleeping in my room every night for over a week," Sam said, glaring at his partner. "Don't you think I know something isn't right with him? Did he do that to your face?"

"Yeah. Nightmare." Callen exhaled noisily and slumped into his chair, rubbing his cheek where Deeks had hit him.

"You okay?" Sam's voice softened as he saw how weary his partner looked. "You can't save him all by yourself, G. You know that, right?"

"Hetty asked Nate to come," Callen said.

"Good! He needs professional help." Sam said as Kensi grabbed him in a bear hug.

"I missed you, Sam," she said as he hugged her back.

"Sam, it's good to see you," Hetty stood behind them with a solemn look on her face that they knew meant something was up. "We can't find Deeks anywhere in the building and a pistol is missing from the gun range. Your car is also gone, Mr. Callen."

"He's running," Kensi said dejectedly.

"But to where?" Callen said. "I'll get Eric to track my car."

Everyone was on full alert as if it were a new case, checking leads and doing what they knew best, which was to find someone who didn't want to be found. They were so busy on their computers that it took them a while to notice Nate standing just outside the bullpen.

"Nate, I thought you weren't coming in until tonight?" Callen said with relief in his voice.

"I read Hetty's report and caught an earlier flight," Nate said softly and they could see the deep concern on his face. "It must be pretty bad if you're glad to see me Callen."

"As long as I'm not the subject of your questions, I'm glad to see you," Callen said with a smile.

"What makes you think I don't have questions for all of you?" Nate said quizzically. "That undercover assignment was a team effort, Callen, and all of you are involved in what's going on with Deeks."

They all looked stunned at his comment.

"Hetty sent me the doctor's assessments and the field reports on the op," Nate said softly. "But you need to fill me in on what's been going on with him the last couple of days. Did he do that to your face, Callen?"

"Yeah, but it was my fault for getting too close during one of his nightmares." Callen said.

"Has he been having a lot of nightmares?" Nate asked and his concern was obvious and Callen felt relieved that he was here.

"Every night since he got out of the hospital," Callen replied. "He's afraid to go to sleep because of them. He wakes up screaming if he does."

"That never happened when he slept in my room at the hospital, G." Sam told him.

"Not once, Sam?" Nate queried and Sam shook his head no.

After listening quietly to each agent's story, he asked questions of each one in turn, starting with Callen.

"You said at one point he didn't remember who Karl Meier was?" Nate asked him and Callen nodded. "And Kensi, he said he had done things that couldn't be forgiven?" and she said that he had.

"Callen, that day you pulled him out of the camp for a break, you said in your report that you thought Jacob was starting to think of him as a son and that Deeks might be responding to him in a positive way." Nate's mind was trying to put all the pieces together and the team could see the worry on his face.

"He said Jacob was the only one who protected him from Karl," Callen said.

"But according to the medical report, he was being beaten on a regular basis," Nate said. "So why did he believe Jacob was protecting him?"

"He must have protected him enough times that Deeks appreciated it," Sam said quietly.

"Maybe at critical times, when he was at a breaking point," Nate noted.

"Have any of you read Deeks' final report?" Nate asked. When they shook their heads no, he pulled copies out and passed them around. When they had finished reading they all began to look at each other with confusion.

"None of it makes any sense, Nate." Callen said with a stunned look on his face.

"No it doesn't," Nate acknowledged. "I've read all the medical reports and all of your final debriefs. And I also read all of Callen's debriefs with Deeks over the course of the operation. I read all of them, but I saved Deeks' final report until last." He looked down at the floor as he gathered his thoughts.

"Sam, you and Callen thought they were brainwashing him," Nate said. "And you're right, but to what end? Sam, you mentioned you thought he was responding as a hostage might, feeling empathy for his captors. But I think what Deeks experienced was what a prisoner of war goes through when they're trying to turn him, and I think it was planned."

"What do you mean, Nate?" Sam asked. "Planned by who? Jacob?"

"Yes, and I think he had a purpose in mind." Nate said. "But I'm not sure we'll ever know what that purpose was, now that he's dead."

"Nate, what about his mental state, now?" Kensi asked with her face a mask of anxiety.

"Kensi, there are a couple of possibilities, but it could be too early to say," Nate said with sympathy in his voice. "The concussion he suffered was severe, and there might have been others, and that could account for most of the things he's been experiencing, but it could also be something a little more serious."

"PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder." Kensi said softly as tears gathered in her eyes. "Like Jack has."

"Yes," Nate answered softly, knowing how hard that would be for her to hear. "But, it's not a diagnosis yet, Kensi. It's only been three weeks. He has suffered some kind of mental breakdown and he's obviously getting more violent. So that's what we have to deal with before a final diagnosis can be made."

Nell entered and waited silently for Nate to finish talking.

"I found something you need to see." Nell said gravely. Her usual bright demeanor was missing and it caused everyone to pay attention.

"What did you find, Nell?" Hetty asked as she joined the group.

"Homeland Security took all of the materials that were discovered in Jacob Meier's cabin," she began. "When Deeks started getting worse, I called and asked if I could look through the materials to see if there was anything that might help us understand what had happened to him at the camp. And I found a journal Jacob kept. One of ten that he kept about his plans for the future."

"It makes sense he would write about his beliefs," Callen commented. "He believed he was the leader of a New Revolution, and he obviously wanted people to know about his accomplishments."

"Kind of a manifesto," Sam said shaking his head.

"But, one of his journals was just about Deeks, or I should say, about his alias, Zack Reiner," Nell said and instantly had everyone's attention. "I just finished reading it and you're not going to believe what it says."

"Get on with it Nell," Hetty said, slightly annoyed and anxious to hear what her analyst had to say.

"I'll give you a short synopsis," she said, knowing how important her information was. "The journal has dated entries and begins the day after he met Zack Reiner for the first time. Jacob was immediately taken with him, and there is a glowing description of him as the perfect Aryan, with blond hair and blue eyes. He made entries at least every other day and sometimes more about his plans for Zack and how he was going to accomplish them." She paused to gather herself and they could see she was disturbed by what she was about to tell them.

"Jacob had an entry for every time Zack was beaten by Jacob's brother Karl. But they were entered before the beatings happened. Jacob planned each beating and told Karl exactly how long and how hard they were to be." Nell said solemnly. "And he planned when he would intervene and stop Karl's attacks."

"That bastard," Callen eyes flashed with anger, echoing the feelings of everyone in the room.

"Jacob scheduled major beatings twice a month, followed by having him confined to the shack they used for a jail, where he was tied up and isolated for two or three days without food or water." Nell had to pause to collect herself. She was used to analyzing this kind of information about all kinds of people, but not about someone she knew and cared about.

"Why didn't Deeks tell me all this when I debriefed him during the op?" Callen was getting angrier by the minute.

"Maybe he had just accepted it as part of his undercover assignment," Nate said sadly. "He knew these were sick people he had infiltrated."

"And maybe you didn't ask!" Kensi yelled across the room. She was practically hyperventilating with anger at what Deeks had gone through.

"Enough, Ms. Blye," Hetty told her firmly. "This is not the time for recriminations. We need to hear all of that madman's plans for Zack Reiner, if we are to help Mr. Deeks."

Nell waited for everyone to calm down before she continued. "After he had been tied up alone for a day or two, Jacob would visit him. His journal entries boast about what he would tell Zack. After his visit, Zack would be left alone one more day to think about what Jacob had told him." She stopped and caught her breath and they could see tears brimming in her eyes and they knew she had more to tell.

"On one visit, about a month and a half into the operation, he writes that he told Zack that the reason he was being confined was because he had raped one of the women in the camp. His journal records that Zack didn't believe him. So Jacob punished him for doubting what he had said and then he brought the woman in to confirm it." Nell paused briefly and Nate noticed her hands were trembling, but after a few seconds, she continued. "Toward the end the third month, the journal records that Karl was told to severely beat Zack and tie him up in the shack again. This time when Jacob visited him, he records that he noticed Zack was experiencing some memory loss and he immediately had him taken to a small cabin, where he personally took care of him and kept him isolated from Karl. That night, he told Zack that he had killed a young boy at the gun range in a fit of rage, and he records that Zack believed him."

The team was stunned into silence.

"Callen, how often did you debrief Deeks during the operation?" Nate asked quickly.

"It was spotty because I had to get permission from Jacob whenever I wanted to see Zack." Callen said, choking down his obvious anger.

"So he could control when you saw him and make sure you didn't notice the physical abuse." Nate spoke softly as they all began to realize the horror Deeks had lived through.

"There's more, isn't there Nell?" Hetty asked.

"Yes. It was a persistent, premeditated pattern of abuse," Nell told them sadly.

"But Deeks thought the person responsible was Karl, not Jacob." Sam said with barely concealed rage.

"Which Jacob reinforced whenever he took him to that small isolated cabin after Karl and his friends beat him." Nate said.

"Jacob was also indoctrinating him with his beliefs when he visited him in the shack and in the isolated cabin," Nell said as she flipped through the journal of a madman with a plan.

"A perfect formula to break down a person and to ultimately control them," Nate said knowingly.

"But why do this to him? What was the ultimate goal?" Kensi asked to the group.

"Jacob wanted Zack to become the face of the New Revolution," Nell said holding up Jacob's journal. "He wanted to use him as a propaganda tool, but in order to do that, he had to make sure Zack was submissive to him and would do whatever he told him to do."

"No wonder he doesn't think he's worth saving," Kensi said, sinking back into her chair and covering her face with her hands." He believes he's a rapist and a murderer."

"Nate, why didn't Deeks have nightmares when he stayed in my room at the hospital?" Sam asked curiously.

"I think when you went undercover with him back at the camp, he saw you as another source of protection. You were also the one connection he had to who he really was, and that makes you a safe haven," Nate explained. "When you were shot, he had to choose between being Zack or being himself and he had to choose between you and Jacob."

"That's what he was fighting to do during the whole assignment. He had to remember not only who he was, but also why he was there. Thank God he chose Sam," Callen said with a sigh. And they all nodded soberly, realizing now, how difficult that decision had really been for Deeks.

Their contemplation was broken by a shout out by Eric.

"I located your car, Callen," Eric yelled down from the balcony. "He just turned off the I-5 onto Highway 14 headed east."

"Where's he going?" Nate wondered out loud. But as he looked around the room he realized they all knew exactly where he was going and the look on all their faces was one of stark fear.

...

He drove into the camp in the late afternoon and parked by the main cabin where Jacob had lived. His mind was jumping from one memory to the other at lightning speed. Flashes of sadness sparked through his mind, accompanied by a blinding headache that never seemed to end. He could feel his heart beating hard against his chest as he stepped up on the porch. The door had yellow police tape across it and for some reason he found that funny, like it could stop all the horrible things that had been planned here. But his laugh was harsh in his own ears. He ripped it down and went inside.

The place was trashed and in an instant he felt a rush of fear that Jacob was going to punish him for all the destruction he had caused. He gasped and leaned heavily against a bookcase as his mind churned with memories of pain and fear. He had never minded spending time alone before Karl had taught him how truly frightening it could be. He remembered being tied so cruelly tight to that post in the shack, waiting in the dark for Karl's buddies to materialize next to him all through the night and torment him with all the horrible things he had done to deserve the punishment he was enduring. The kicks and punches were nothing compared to the horror of their words. He never slept when he was in the shack. They wouldn't let him. And if he did, he would only dream of all the unspeakable things he had done.

He forced himself to move and leave the memories behind for a little while, but he knew he would never be able to escape them. He wandered into the dining room where Jacob had revealed his plans for the New Revolution and he noticed the discarded Nazi flag where it had been thrown and trampled after being ripped off the wall by his rescuers. He recalled all of Jacob's plans and how appalled he had been at the massacre he was going to carry out. It was then he had realized what a crazy bastard the man was, not the caring man who protected him from his brutal brother. It was in this room, under that horrific flag, that he knew that no matter how many unforgivable things he had done personally, he had to stop the massacre Jacob was planning. And with Sam and Callen's help, he had. It was the only thing he was proud of during the whole five-month assignment. Now it was over and he had only one more thing to do.

The sun was almost down when he reached the shack. This camp is where I really belong, he thought. Everyone here had done things they should be ashamed of and he was no better than they were. He had let two young college students be viciously beaten while he watched. One had died. He had raped a young woman he hardly knew and killed a teenage boy because he taken the rifle he wanted to use. And he had murdered the man who had become a father figure to Zack Reiner. Now he had to accept his punishment for all those sins he had committed and he was the only one left to carry it out.

He entered the shack just as darkness descended on the camp and he gripped the gun tightly as he held it by his side.

...

Their headlights illuminated the front of Jacob's cabin and they saw Callen's car parked next to it. No one spoke and tension was palpable as they got out. The only sound was the croak of frogs and the rhythmic chitter of crickets that suddenly ceased as they made their way down the pathway to the shack, their flashlight beams lighting up the oak trees and flicking through the tall dry weeds on either side. They all knew where he was and they feared what he was going to do and hoped they were in time to stop it.

The shack stood eerily silent as the first hint of moonlight touched the roof. They hesitated only briefly before Callen opened the door, naturally taking the lead. The beam of his flashlight cut through the heavy darkness of the interior until coming to rest on the mop of unruly blond hair in the far corner of the room.

His heart seemed to pause as he spoke his name. "Deeks?" he called, his voice dry and breathless.

"Go away." His voice sounded tired and wavered slightly as he raised his head to looked at the four people standing just inside the door. Then he brought the gun up slowly and rested it on his knees, which were drawn up tight to his chest. Callen could see the whiteness of his knuckles as he gripped the weapon. The flashlights cast a grey light over the cold interior and they could see he was shivering.

"We just want to talk to you." Sam said quietly as he moved slowly forward, finally sitting down with his back against the post in the center of the room.

"There's nothing left to say, Sam," he said wearily. "I came to finish this like I should have done after I murdered Jacob."

"Why didn't you finish it then, Marty?" Nate said as he walked quietly over next to Sam and sat down.

"Because Sam was bleeding and I had to help him," he answered as he began to rub his head.

"Why did you just say you murdered Jacob?" Nate asked in a soft voice.

"Because he wasn't pointing the gun at me when I stabbed him." Deeks words came out agonizingly slow.

"Who was he pointing it at?" Nate questioned.

"At Sam." Deeks gave Nate a quizzical look like he thought it was a stupid question.

"Did you think he was going to kill him?" Nate asked

"Sam was 'The Sacrifice'. I knew Jacob would kill him," Deeks voice rose strongly.

"So you killed him to save my life," Sam said, barely above a whisper. "How is that murder Deeks?"

"He had cared for me and protected me from Karl. I owed him," he answered in a loud angry voice.

"But you chose to save Sam," Nate said. "Why?"

"Jacob asked me that, too," Deeks told him.

"What did you tell him?" Sam asked, leaning forward and locking eyes with Deeks.

"I told him you were my brother," Deeks said, as tears spilled from his eyes.

"The truth then." Sam said quietly with a kind smile.

"What did Jacob say to that?" Nate asked.

"He didn't understand and I knew he hated me for believing it," Deeks said as he lowered the gun to his side.

"Deeks, I need to show you something?" Nate said.

Deeks stared at him as he motioned for Kensi to bring him Jacob's journal. When he saw Kensi, he started to get to his feet and they saw panic in his eyes.

"You shouldn't be here, Kens," Deeks said as he scrambled to his feet. "I want you to leave, right now!"

"Why? So I won't see you shoot yourself." Kensi shouted at him.

Deeks fell back against the wall, his face shocked that she had voiced what nobody else would. He dropped his head to his chest and great heaving sobs shook his body. Callen was on him fast, wrenching the gun from his hand just as Sam reached him and grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him until to stopped shaking. The two men helped him as he limply slid back down to the floor, his legs splayed out in front of him and his arms hanging loose at his sides. He stared blankly at the ceiling as the others slowly let the air out of their lungs and sighed deeply in relief.

"Deeks, you need to see this," Nate pressed, even though he knew Deeks was mentally exhausted. He also knew he was close to a breakthrough now that he didn't have to hide the fact that he had come to this cold, dark place to take his own life.

"I don't care about anything anymore," Deeks whispered, "so why don't you all just go and leave me here where I belong."

"That's bullshit, Deeks, you don't belong here, and you know it!" Sam said as he got in his face. "You called me your brother. Then listen to your brother and see what we found out about Jacob's plan for Zack Reiner."

Deeks turned to look at Sam, and for the first time in a long time, they saw curiosity and his natural intelligence flare in his eyes.

"What plan?" he asked, looking sharply at Sam.

Kensi knelt down next to him and handed him Jacob's journal on Zack Reiner. She held the flashlight as he read. As he turned each page, his features began to harden as he discovered the terrible course of action that Jacob had set in place for Zack. When he got to the entry about the rape Jacob told him he had committed, he looked at Kensi and she saw such relief that tears flooded her eyes.

"He lied to me and he made her lie, too," He could barely speak he was so overcome with emotion that that burden had been lifted.

He kept reading until he came to the part about the boy Jacob told him he had killed. When he realized it had never happened, he threw the journal across the room and cried out in anguish at the pain and guilt he had carried for so long.

"Why would he do that?" he asked furiously. "What did he want from me?"

"He wanted to use Zack for propaganda," Nate told him softly and quietly, trying to calm the anger Nate knew was just below the surface. "But he needed to break you down, so you would only look to him and would do whatever he wanted."

"It worked," he said forlornly.

"No it didn't Deeks," Callen said gripping his arm and making him look at him. "In the end, you were true to yourself. You gave us the intel to stop a massacre and you saved Sam's life instead letting Jacob make him a sacrifice to madness."

"Sometimes I forget that," he said as he reached out his hand to Kensi. She touched his fingers lightly, afraid he would reject her again, but instead he took her hand and pulled her down next to him and laid his head wearily on her shoulder. She hugged him gently and smiled at the familiar feel of his soft beard against her cheek and she trembled at how close she had come to losing him. As she looked at each member of the team, she knew they all felt the same.

"You hungry Deeks?" Sam said quietly as he laid his hand on his back, knowing they needed to get him out of this painful place.

"Can we get one of those pepperoni pizzas we had at the safe house that time?" Deeks asked, raising his head with a tired, crooked smile on his face.

"You are one easy date, Deeks," Callen said as they helped him stand.

"I haven't been easy on you guys for a long time," he said, exhaustion evident in his voice as he draped his arms around Kensi and Sam and let them lead him out the door of the dark shack.

He paused for a moment outside, looking up at the cold light of the moon.

"God, I hate this place," he whispered.

"Then let's get out of here," Sam said, urging him up the path and away from the painful memories that had haunted him for so long and that had almost overwhelmed him.

Nate came out of the shack holding the journal of a madman whose writings had reached out from the grave to cast light into the dark, tortured soul of a man he had almost destroyed. Jacob Meier's own words had freed a young man he had tried to trap in his own warped vision.

"Thanks, Nate," Callen said, shivering in the cold that surrounded this evil place.

"He wouldn't have done it, you know," Nate told him as they slowly followed the others.

"How can you be sure?" Callen asked.

"He knew you would track him down," Nate said confidently. "He was counting on that or he would have switched to a car without a GPS."

"He wanted us to find him." Callen shook his head and laughed sadly.

"He needed all of you to save him, because he didn't know how to save himself," Nate said as they reached the cars.

"I'd forgotten how smart you are," Callen said as he put his arm around Nate's shoulder.

"I'm a psychiatrist," Nate said.

"And a good friend," Callen said fondly.

...


End file.
